Sabotage, or how you or others may prevent your recovery<
All too often, male survivors begin their recovery, in the knowledge that it is possible, however painful it may be to recover, then they suddenly back off and stop working on the issues that made them call us in the first place!
So what's the answer to this, and how you can ensure that you wont this and wont be the one who doesn't fail at the first hurdle either.
DON'T MINIMISE THE ABUSE
All to often, I hear guys say "mine was nothing like yours" when we speak about the abuse suffered, and more often than not, when they attend group, they say,after hearing someones else story, that they shouldn't really be complaining.
That kind of response can cause you to think that the abuse you suffered wasn't that bad, it only happened a few times, but I can also guarantee that no matter what was done to you, or how long the abuse lasted, it has had the same devastating effects and affects upon you
Therefore, you deserve to be part of a group and should be complaining about the abuse you suffered, as its caused enough damage to you and those around you.
So no matter how long it lasted, or what you suffered, please don't feel like a fraud or that you don't deserve support, because you do.
Some people, even loved ones, don't want you to change without them, so try to stop you doing so. They won't help you, dragging you back to the past and feeling like you have for ages, which just reminds you of the past, perhaps by telling you how bad or sad you are, and will slowly drag you back down to their level
This is something you wil do to yourself, perhaps in thinking its better that you go about it alone, or maybe you get tangled up with with everything, without making decisions, thinking that you have always been this way, can't change and won't change.....in other words - 'conditional recovery'
You know that you should listen and perhaps wait, but ignore that and fall back into old habits, thoughts, feelings
BUILDING UP A BANK BALANCE:
Again, this is about storing old resentments, or behaviours up - saving them up, manufacturing resentments, hurt, blame, etc.
You store them up, and when it becomes too much for you, so you can explode or implode, revert back to previous actions and lifestyles, and before you know it, you're back at the beginning, lacking commitment to start again, and consider yourself to be a failure, again!
The unknown - Who or what am I.
Of honesty - Will I be accepted, or rejected?
Of responsibility - Can I survive, will I adapt/cope?
Can I do it?
Do I give I myself permission to feel to be vulnerable?
Who will I ask to help me?
THREE MAIN AREAS TO WORK ON:
1. Make quality decisions in your life, not the same mistakes, that you know will make you feel 'bad'.
2. Identifying the cues and triggers that set you off, and make feel that way.
3. Start to use the coping skills that work for you.
You need to remain alert to the dangers that are ever present;
Recognise dangers signs.
Avoid placing yourself in high-risk situations.
Seek help when you need it.
Own the decision whether to react or not!
There is, and never will be a magic cure!
Use your common sense- take control of your life.
Remember - Facing up to and coping with risks will build up your confidence.
People needed around you
Those who will play 'family' roles, in supporting you
Friends who will support you, and hold you steady as you work towards your goals
Supporters who will ensure you stay straight, in thinking and using modes
How to do this?
Sit down and write a list of people that can and will help you through this..safe people! Then ask those people you list to actually take on the roles required. Make sure you use them when needed and call them when you need and don't need to, safety first, second and third!
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